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“We rarely see people as they are; we see them as we wish them to be.”
The way we react isn’t random. It’s our personality, our life story, and all the little survival tricks we’ve picked up along the way.
Even so, we humans are a confusing bunch: endlessly curious about each other, yet perpetually frustrated when others act in ways utterly consistent with… well, who they are.
The absurdity of ‘shouldisms’
For example, I know my husband is an introvert by nature and highly analytical. But when he’d make himself scarce during a conflict, tackling a rigorous bit of housework two floors up, I would seethe in righteous indignation, mentally chanting, “He should just talk to me!”
But here’s the irony: he should not. Because, in reality, he’s doing exactly what someone like him would do.
It’s here that “should-isms” — those rigid beliefs about how others ought to behave — show their absurdity. As Franklin, who writes extensively on cognitive distortions, warns: “The tyranny of ‘shoulds’ enslaves our peace of mind to imagined rules of conduct that ignore reality.”
Should-ism is one of those tyrannies. It’s the belief that the world, and the people in it, must conform to your personal rulebook. Yet that rulebook rarely factors in the differences in people’s interpretations, coping strategies, or the simple fact that they are not the same as you.
Why “Should” is a Trap
Let’s break this down. When you say:
“She should’ve called me instead of sulking!”
…what you really mean is:
“I’d prefer she cope like I do, because her silence makes me uncomfortable.”
But silence might be precisely what her introverted, conflict-averse temperament needs to process a difficult conversation. As Matthieu Ricard implies in Happiness, the person silent in your presence should be silent — because that’s consistent with their traits. It’s not personal. It’s their operating system.
We all interpret the world through our own life lens — coloured by memories, beliefs, culture, and emotions. When we practise empathy, we’re not just imagining what we’d feel in their place. We’re challenging ourselves to feel what they feel, through their lens.
‘Shoulding’ on people and situations on the other hand, keeps us trapped in judgement and stagnation. Progress and problem-solving become nearly impossible when we’re tangled up in endless ‘shoulds’.
And before we know it, we are so high on that horse, we forget the who and the why of the matter and the person below, is reduced to a distant, faceless dot.
Personality Predicts Behaviour
Imagine berating a cat for not barking. That’s essentially what we do when we “should” people who are simply running their usual mental software. In general:
- Introverts tend to retreat.
- Neurotics tend to overthink.
- Extroverts tend to talk it out.
- Analytical types tend to seek data before speaking.
These patterns don’t excuse anyone from accountability, but they do explain reactions. If you want to relate to people as they are, rather than as fantasy projections, you must account for these predictable tendencies.
It’s fascinating that even after years of knowing someone, we forget who they really are, when it comes to expectations. We suddenly want them to be and act the way we want them to.
The old adage ‘Treat others the way you want to be treated’ although is based on a good moral compass, is not the most compassionate or constructive approach if you think about it.
Treat others the way they want to be treated truly shows that you care about them. Not only is this more empathetic but so much more effective for cultivating understanding, loving relationships. We accomplish more from colleagues, children and partners when we remember this.
It’s Not Resignation — It’s Clarity
Accepting people’s traits doesn’t mean rolling over or becoming a doormat. It simply means dropping the unnecessary frustration over expecting others to be someone they’re not.
Sometimes a ‘should’ is legitimate. For instance when you tell your child, ‘You should be doing your homework instead of watching TV.’ Fair point.
But here’s the stopping and thinking bit—get curious. Why hasn’t it happened today? Are they secretly drowning in fractions, hoping you’ll swoop in and help? Maybe they’re feeling unmotivated. Or are they just taking you for a ride and seeing how long they can get away with it? Curiosity leads to answers. ‘Shoulding’ leads to stress.
In other instances, people behave the way they do, not only due to personality traits, but past experiences too. Things we may not be privy to.
For example, when my mother used to talk endlessly about her ailments or offload her anxious, warped thoughts onto me, I eventually learned to just listen and be present — even if it felt like the energy in the room was slowly being zapped.
Over time, I came to realise it wasn’t just her nature; it was the result of a lifetime of unresolved mental struggles and the weight of difficult circumstances that had shaped her into the person she’d become. I mean, being the fourteenth child in her family must have come with one or two challenges!
She tended to ruminate and seek comfort through attention, often subconsciously hoping I would empathise and validate her concerns. By recognising that she wasn’t me, and that this behaviour was entirely normal for her, I let go of the expectation that she should be any different. As a result, our relationship became a little more detached but also more harmonious.
Because let’s be honest: if every time we spoke I carried a running checklist of “she should ask how I am,” “she should be more interested in my life,” or “she should be less doom and gloom,” I’d be signing up for a lifetime subscription to disappointment. That’s like rolling my eyes at the rain for being wet. Frustrating and a little ridiculous.
She’s not built like me in this aspect. It would be bizarre if she were suddenly! Expecting her to be anything other than who she is? A touch of madness.
Are there others I can turn to for more positive interactions instead? Yes. So, really, I ought to just let her be her.
This is a form of clarity.
Soul-swapping.
This isn’t a new concept. You might know it as “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes” or “putting yourself in their position.” I quite like the idea of soul-swapping, so you become the other person, if only for a few seconds. It’s not as ‘witchy’ as it sounds – you’ve got to simply give it a go.
If you tend to have a good imagination or are looking to develop your empathetic streak, this really works.
The other day, when my husband spectacularly retracted from the family after a bout of misbehaviour and never-ending demands from the kids, it was hard to swallow. I felt a little abandoned, having to navigate parenthood by myself. I didn’t like how I was feeling towards my husband however, and knew I could be better.
So, oblivious to him, like a weirdo, I spent a minute soul-swapping with him to remind myself of the act of “true love.”
When I did this, I realised that through his essence and thought process, his subdued behaviour and aloofness were actually signs of insecurity and feeling left out from the rest of the family.
You see, the kids and I can be pretty full-on, silly, highly expressive, and sometimes challenging. My husband adores us, but at times, he cannot relate. Most of the time he is accepting of this, but every so often he feels “different.”
When I soul-swapped with him momentarily, I realised all he needed was love. When I hugged him and told him we loved him so much, his response was a whisper, “I hope so.”
This verified my need to soul-swap because I knew what to do. If I hadn’t seen life through his lens in that moment, my care and empathy would’ve remained low and hard to reach.
As Franklin puts it: “The wisdom of compassion lies in seeing beings as they are, not as we wish them to be.”
As it turned out, he later apologised for his aloofness. He felt understood and cared for and in turn, felt prompted to think about our feelings too.
The Freedom in Dropping Should-isms
There’s real liberation in dropping should-isms. It doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviour, but it does mean recognising:
- People act predictably based on their traits.
- Your emotional suffering often comes from expecting the impossible.
- Adjusting your expectations leads to less resentment and more effective interactions.
So next time you ask someone to do something and they don’t, and you feel the urge to proclaim, “she should just get on with it!” — pause.
As infuriating as it may be, to see them act like they’ve not heard you, think about it. Given her shorter attention span, dislike of being pressured and the need for time and space, it seems perfectly reasonable that she doesn’t ‘just get on with it’ but does so, at her own pace.
This stalling isn’t disrespectful — it’s consistency.
Everyone’s carrying a different story, shaped by a different life lens. Before we judge or react, it’s worth pausing and asking: What might this look like through their lens, not mine?
By all means, attempt to talk it through and come to a compromise on how to behave or react during conflict. But ultimately, people tend to revert to their character preference. You and I, included!
A little acceptance from both parties goes a long way to a more constructive, happier life.
And if you’re interested enough to take the time to read this article, all the way to the end, you SHOULD be doing this a little more often, if not already. See what I did there?