Table of Contents
Note: This is not about being a genuine victim of a crime, serious wrongdoing or trauma. This is about the subtle, often unnoticed ways we can fall into emotional traps that disempower us.
Most of us, at some point have been easily affected. Whether it’s honking road rage, or an offhand remark, we’ve been known to have a little fuming session, as if these moments are a direct reflection on our self-worth.
We may even fall into mini ‘victim’ moments daily, if just for a fleeting moment.
And? What does it matter?
The thing is, when these moments accumulate, they shape our mindset, interactions and even our self esteem, creating tension, stress and insecurities.
So, how do we remember to chill out, in the heat of the moment?
Detach yourself.
I did this the other day. I could tell the old feelings of irritation were bubbling up, when someone made an unfounded assumption about a situation, which in reality was handled rather well, considering the circumstances.
My energy shifted and my inner dialogue went something like, “Really? After everything I did?”
But then I realised, I was holding onto my sense of self too much and had to remove myself from the equation. This for me meant visually taking a big lunge back (with my short legs).
Within moments, I decided I wouldn’t let anger seep into my energy field.
This in turn helped me confront said person with gentle assertiveness, where the facts were communicated, with clarity and objectiveness. Our interaction was not only positive and kind, but quick.
I took this as a sign to move on and focus on more important matters. And it felt great.
It stands to reason that the stronger our attachment to our ego, the easier it is to feel offended. But when we detach, we experience only a temporary pang of unpleasantness that, like a bad smell, eventually fades.
Who wants to hold onto a bad smell?
Drop the entitlement.
Perhaps the reason we feel wronged, is due to a whiff of entitlement. That life should always go our way, that we should be treated with the utmost respect and appreciation at all times, regardless of the circumstances, or the person involved, so help me God!
But are we really exempt from suffering?
As my mother used to say, nothing lasts. Good and bad. Thanks, mum!
But I now realise, such is the undulating tapestry of life.
Whenever my siblings and I lost a valuable item growing up, or had relationship trouble, my mother would say, “At least your bad times are going away like this.”
The expression ‘bad times’ essentially reminds us that no one escapes hardship. Challenging times will come. It’s how we perceive them that will influence how tough they are.
How about when we feel wronged when met with rudeness? Especially if we believe that by pleasing others, we are protected from impoliteness.
I remember an old colleague, no matter how friendly I was, wouldn’t budge from her indifference. I even tried becoming less ‘me’ to fit into her world. I’m afraid to say, I reined myself in a little. I tried being less cheerful, less helpful and less extroverted. And even that didn’t work!
I stopped in my tracks with a resounding screech and realised, all I could possibly do was keep shining my light (even if a little more reservedly) and focus on what nourished me instead. At the same time, I could also sense that something in her past shaped her behaviour as a coping mechanism, which made me more empathetic.
With a neutral mindset, I went from overanalysing to finally letting go.
Lo and behold, we may not have been best buddies, but our interactions became noticeably lighter and pleasant in a short time.
Just like a well crafted fragrance that is designed to delight, cannot possibly appeal to everyone’s taste, we too won’t always be met with universal approval. And that’s ok. What matters is we stay dignified and continue to radiate joy to those who do appreciate us.
Replace the word “Failure” with “Setback” - and channel your anger.
The word failure just makes us want to mope around doesn’t it?
It suggests something final, shameful and defining. But most things we label as failures are actually just setbacks – and temporary ones at that.
Recently, I had a full-blown meltdown because no matter how few carbs I nibbled and how much more protein and veg I demolished; I weighed the same.
My poor understanding husband was at the receiving end of all kinds of foaming mouth expletives. Not only did I fail at the task of becoming fitter, but I seemed to epically fail at my self growth journey, with my tantrum.
But I soon snapped out of it (with a candle lit shower) and looked at things more rationally. The anger gave me the impetus to explore a new and efficient way of succeeding with my goal by easily integrating exercise in my daily routine. From that day on, I ditched my 10 minute comfy bottom car drive and committed to walking 6K to and from work, three times a week.
Instead of stewing in anger, I let it fuel a smarter plan. One that actually worked.
Ever noticed we encounter the same infuriating situations time and time again and often wonder, “Why me?”.
But if we replace “Why me?” with “What can I learn from this?”, it shifts our thinking from ‘victim’ mode to ‘learning’ mode.
As Paulo Coelho, author of ‘The Alchemist’ reminds us, life lessons will tend to repeat, until we finally learn them. Don’t they just! (Eye roll)
And if we truly take this on board, maybe it won’t take us decades to learn life’s lessons. Because who wants to keep reliving the same patterns on repeat—like Groundhog Day—just because we haven’t stopped long enough to actually learn from them?
But making mistakes is necessary for success.
In the inspiring novel Lessons in Chemistry, the protagonist—a brilliant female scientist in the 1950s—keeps a pencil tucked behind her ear at all times, because she expects to make mistakes. She embraces trial and error, rubs things out and tries again.
She’s serious, incredibly smart, and fiercely objective—and yet still expects to stumble. There’s something beautifully empowering about that.
Care less (Strategically)
What?
Isn’t that a tad controversial?
It’s not about becoming careless. It’s about caring less about what doesn’t matter, and more about what truly does. That shift in focus preserves our energy.
It was my then 9-year-old son who first called me out. I was venting about an issue, feeling deflated, and without missing a beat, he looked at me and said, “Maybe don’t care so much?” He wasn’t being dismissive—he just saw, so clearly, that I was giving too much of my heart to something that didn’t need it. And in that moment, I realised… he was right.
Now I care less about things I needlessly obsess over, and more about what fuels me.
It’s not easy for a slightly overly sensitive person like me to let things go, but the benefits are too appealing to ignore. For instance:
- If something hasn’t gone to plan, I care less about this fact and more about plan B.
- If work has been stressful, I care less about this when I’m home and more about making the most of family time.
- If I haven’t been disciplined with my fitness, I care less about my regret and more about getting back on track.
What if someone has a negative opinion of us?
Do they know us well enough for it to matter? If not, should we waste our energy caring?
As Christian Bale famously said (and yes, I quote Batman for wisdom):
‘If you have a problem with me, call me. But if you don’t have my number, then you don’t know me well enough to have a problem with me.’
Amen to that.
Not all challenges warrant pain and struggle. Perhaps some can be acknowledged with merely a clearing of the throat, a nod or even a chuckle.
Because if we care too much about each and every action, disappointment or unexpected interaction and allow them to touch us deep in our synapses, we are essentially stuck. Stuck in low vibrations and constant self-doubt.
A simple idea, that takes a little practise. How about if we are free to make our own choices about what’s hurtful and what isn’t? Rather than allowing external factors to dictate our happiness and peace?
As Buddhist monk Matthieu Ricard says in The art of happiness:
“We look for happiness outside ourselves when it is basically an inner state of being. If it were an exterior condition, it would be forever beyond our reach.”
Forever beyond our reach.
Wow. It’s true.
If happiness was always attained from external things, we would be chasing them to no end. Where do we draw the line? At what point are we satiated? But imagine peace and contentment inside ourselves. No matter where, when, what, who or why, we’re basically OK.
Remember C.A.P
So much is out of our control. But how we see things, is entirely ours to manage.
Choice. Awareness. Perspective.
The big guns.
A shift in any one of these during times when we’re spiralling into our old ways of judgement, assumptions and hurt, will bring us back to neutrality.
Neutrality is a great starting point.
Because let’s face it, no matter what life state we’re in, a problem always pokes its shiny bald head.
As Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***, puts it: the trick isn’t avoiding problems but figuring out whether they’re big ones or little ones. Some challenges may indeed require pain and perseverance—but that’s okay. Because working through a problem is what makes us gloriously human.
Honour your emotions, but don’t worship them.
Of course, we must be kind to ourselves and tend to our feelings. Especially when our emotions are bigger than usual. I’d rather spend an hour with tears and snot smeared round my face exploring why and wholly connecting with my thought process than brushing the pain under the carpet.
Pretending to be ‘fine’, only results in emotions spilling out in the most reckless way.
Stating the obvious here, but to get to the other side of the door, we’ve got to go through it. This helps us ask questions about ourselves and possibly learn a thing or two. It’s important to note, some of these feelings are distressing and necessary.
For instance, having counselling to explore my family childhood relationships, helped me dig up important feelings to the surface. I will reveal to you now that the ‘Drama Triangle’ was talked about in depth and guess which part of the triangle I fell into? Victim.
Understanding this meant I could finally navigate my perceptions and ultimately move on, armed with a greater inner confidence. I would still relapse into my old ways, but this time, with a bucket load of awareness.
This was me honouring my emotions but not necessarily worshipping them. Emotions are valuable because they show us where we’re investing our energy. They allow us to learn about ourselves and make changes. But when we cling to them as though they’re our only truth, wallow and dwell, we limit our potential and stay stuck.
React or respond?
Sometimes when something cannot be ignored, a reciprocation is expected.
Do we react? Or do we respond?
The act of reacting is instinctive. Why? Because it comes easiest to us.
Responding on the other hand, takes more effort and consideration. As this is a little tougher, the majority of us go for the quick and easy option.
Reacting comes from the ego. Responding comes from evolution.
Reacting says, “How dare they?”
Responding says “That was hurtful. But what’s the bigger picture here?”
Life is complicated enough as it is. Do we really need to add extra layers of unfounded, speculative noise?
Like adding layers to a rather unappetising trifle.
As Buddha teaches in his famous parable:
Being struck by the first arrow, represents inevitable pain life throws our way.
Being struck by a second arrow, represents our reaction to the first.
We can’t avoid the first arrow. But the second? That’s optional
If we really can’t help adding another layer of discomfort, at least let it be factual and considered.
Ultimately, it may be prudent to ask ourselves, are we going to continue allowing our emotions to influence us, on an impulse? Wasn’t that something we were impeccable at, in toddlerhood? When our whole world revolved around us.
Now we are in theory armed with more than just raw feelings. So, let’s make it happen. Let’s utilise more of our evolved traits and grab life by the horns.
And that means accepting the occasional sting of unfairness without letting it define us.
Final thought: Reclaim your power
So, next time we catch ourselves with a scornful look and shoulders up to our ears, feeling hard done by, when the moment doesn’t quite warrant, let’s pause. Let’s imagine our inflated egos being catapulted out of the scenario by a huge sling shot!
It may very well be that pesky subconscious victim script trying to sneak back in.
We remember our phones, hair appointments, meetings, the 9 times tables and date nights. Let’s also remember we’re whole, resilient, powerful beings—navigating a messy, beautiful world.
And suddenly we’re not playing the subconscious victims anymore. But evolved Earthlings. So much cooler.